Reflecting

I guessImage you could say I am using this to try and deal with all the pain of life.  It started early, a controlling family with expectations of perfection in the mist of abuse and being told I could never do anything right.  For some reason I was full of love and wanted to please the ones I loved but it would never happen.  I married into the same thing and had two children, didn’t learn enough and did it again and got two more children.  I am still with the second one, I gave my life to Christ and started praying and now after over 30 years together, we are doing well.  My husband has lots of health issues and he’s already had a heart attack and triple bypass.  We lived through almost losing our youngest daughter to cancer when she was 12.  Jobs lost and tough times made it all the more painful.  Lost our home and now in my mid fifties, it’s just real hard to look forward to anything.  I work a high stress job where no one really cares and I don’t make nearly enough to support myself in this day and age, so a little afraid of all that would come with losing my husband.  My greatest dream was to own a pretty home and take care of it and my family.  I guess some dreams just aren’t meant to come true.  My parents still can’t stand me, and although I tried so hard for years to please them – did well in school, won honors and awards, worked hard, it was never enough.  The idea of helping me with anything in life came with extreme punishment.  It really hurts even more since my sister was the rebellious one and she did all kinds of things that disappointed them and yet they helped her in every way.  She is single raising a child and has been unemployed for 3 years, they have helped her keep her home and her child has more than my children ever imagined.  Now she is having a new home built.  It makes me feel even more like a looser.  I had a tough time making friends all my life.  I was always afraid I would let them down and not measure up.  People would say, “just be yourself” but I never knew what that was.  I had been controlled for so long and worked so hard to please that I don’t know how to be myself since I don’t know who that is.  Thanks for listening out there, sometimes the pain just needs somewhere to go!  Thanks from The Old Lady!

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